ACHING FROM BEING TIRED (10/30/06):
Well, on 9/27/06 Emily was born into our world, at which point I
became the father of a little girl as well as my boy Lucas. It has been a
little over a month now, and she is finally sleeping between feedings at night.
Sure, waking up so Amanda can feed her every 2-3 hours sucks. But worse
than that has been her crankiness for 2 -3 hours straight. The time frame
for this can occur anywhere between 9pm and 3am. We're not sure is she is
somewhat colicky, or if it's just a matter of getting her schedule adjusted to
being awake during the day and sleeping at night, but it's been pretty
difficult. Not only was Lucas a much easier baby, but now we're trying to
take care of him (Lucas) at the same time. So the only opportunity to take
a nap or go to sleep is when Lucas is asleep.
Especially for the first week or two, I was so tired that the tips of my fingertips were constantly aching. Odd though it may sound, I have a theory as to why this is. When you sleep, your body replenishes your dead cells with new ones, repairs damaged cells, etc. Since the center of your body is the most important, and your fingertips and toes are the least important, they are the last to be replaced /repaired. Since I wasn't getting enough sleep to heal my whole body, the core is what got fixed first, and the outskirts suffered.
AGAIN! (8/14/06):
It seemed like Lucas and I bonded even more than usual this last
weekend. Several times he would come into our office while I was trying to
pay bills or find a park online for us to go to on Sunday. Since he's so
persistent in trying to get my attention and he's so darned cute, I would
usually pick him up. Once, I grabbed a piece of paper and let him sit on
my lap and draw on it with a pen. Another time I backed away from the
desk, sat him in my lap, and spun around in my chair. I did it a little
bit at first, thinking he would get dizzy easily and want to get down. But
after a couple of turns, he said "gen (pronounced like again - but without the
'a')", with a big smile on his face. So I went a little faster and longer
and sure enough I heard "gen" and looked at a big smile. I went as fast as
I could and as long as I could before I felt like I was going to lose my lunch,
then I would switch directions and go for a little longer, with the same
response each time. I did this multiple times through the weekend.
Another time, I was carrying Lucas down the stairs, on the way to eat lunch.
Well, our stairs has two stages, the first of which is about 3 or 4 steps off of
the ground floor, then it turns 90 degrees and continues the rest of the way to
the second story. This time, when I got to the small landing (where it
changes direction), I jumped the rest of the way to the ground. He was
cracking up!! "Gen!" So I leapt up the few steps, backed up as far
as I could, stomped my feet quickly as if I were running full speed, and got a
little higher until landing on the ground. "Gen (while cracking up)!!"
Back and forth I went, until I finally decided it was time to stop and collapse
in a heap, but of course I used lunch time as an excuse.
Saturday afternoon was a big day for yard work. Spreading mulch, mowing
the yard, etc. While pulling weeds and dead stalks out of a flowery bush
by the front entry, I came upon a Praying Mantis in the leaves. So I
placed it on the back of my hand and carefully rushed to the door in the garage
to show Lucas. He stared with interest and wonder and this little green
creature that was twitching its antennae on my hand, then it crawled up my arm
and onto my shirtless shoulder. I managed to get it back onto my hand
again, before finally placing it back in the bushes. It's always really
fun though to introduce him to new creatures and things he's never seen before.
Sunday morning, we visited a couple of new parks (there are apparently 53 of
them in our city). On the way home though, we came upon a construction
site on the right side of the road. It looked like they were building a
whole development, but had just cleared the area and scraped away a dirt road or
two. But amongst this large clearing was about a dozen scattered
construction vehicles, mostly of varying varieties. The sign said "Road
Closed", but there was no one in sight. So I turned into the site and
drove up and down the main road, slowing to a crawl when I reached each vehicle
and getting as close as I could with the car. Lucas seemed to enjoy seeing
the big machines up close that are in so many of his "uck (truck without the
't')" books.
SILLINESS (6/25/06):
As Lucas'
personality continues to develop, I find he makes me laugh more and more.
Sometimes I'm able to make him laugh, which just reflects back to me and causes
me to do the same. Other times though, he's just so silly on his own that
I can't help but crack up. I was changing his diaper the other day when I
whistled a song or a few notes for some reason. He thought it was funny,
so he laughed and tried to duplicate it by making an "oh" with his mouth and
then making notes with his vocal chords, which I thought was pretty humorous.
So we went back and forth several times, with both of us laughing at each other.
Another time this weekend, Lucas was talking into a big plastic cup that we used
to use in his bath to rinse off his hair. He would only get two or three
syllables of his own language out though before he would start laughing at
himself. It was especially odd because I have done this before with him,
so it wasn't anything new, just newly funny for some reason.
During dinner tonight, Lucas was sitting in his high chair and I was encouraging
him to eat (helping to cut things up and occasionally stab some evasive food
with his fork for him). He started saying something that only he could
understand, and then he would laugh. Then he would do it again, numerous
times. I'm not sure if the phrase (and hence the joke) was the same every
time or not, and I wondered if he was actually telling a joke to himself, or if
he was just feeling silly and expressing it somehow. Either way, I was
cracking up at it along with him.
FATHER'S DAY PRESENT (6/18/06):
On Father's
Day, I was hanging out with Lucas downstairs while Amanda was taking a shower or
something upstairs. He seemed a little mellow, and I knew the Miami Heat
were scheduled to play the Dallas Mavericks in what would end up being the last
game of the finals. So I turned on the TV to see if the game was on yet.
It wasn't, but a
Champ Car race
was on. Lucas typically isn't the least bit interested in adult TV
programming, but he stood there a few feet in front of it and just stared.
Then he said "caa" (his version of "car") repeatedly. After he stood there
like this for a bit, I turned on the surround sound, sat him on my lap, and we
sat there together, engrossed in the sights and sounds of high powered and
high-tech (as opposed to the pitiful 60's technology of NASCAR) cars racing
around the Portland track. Then he scooted off of my lap and I thought
"well, I guess he reached the limit of his attention span", but then he scooted
next to me and sat there watching it for a little while longer. I couldn't
help but think to myself "that's my boy!" and smile inside.
SUNSHINE (2/17/06):
I
have been battling what we're pretty sure is the flu all week.
In the hopes of preventing my wife from getting sick also, I
slept on the futon downstairs in the family room. On a normal
morning, the first thing I do when coming downstairs in the morning
(all of the bedrooms are upstairs) is to open all of the blinds in our
family room, followed by getting the paper, making coffee, eating
breakfast, etc. This particular morning though, Lucas woke up
(bright and freakin' early) and Amanda took him downstairs after
nursing him. The blinds stayed closed today so I could attempt to
sleep a little longer, but my little son filled the room with his
brightness instead. He was walking around the coffee table and up
to the futon, beaming smiles all over the place! I dare say
that's a better way to wake up than sunshine or coffee in the morning.
STEPS (2/17/06 also):
Lucas
starting walking recently. A couple of weeks ago when his aunt Katie
(Amanda's sister) was visiting, we ate lunch at a park. At one
point Amanda and Lucas walked around side by side, with our little son
reaching up and holding onto her finger with one hand. What is it
that makes children's progress (walking, eating solids by themselves,
talking, etc) so precious and completely awesome? We are pretty
sure all of these steps are going to happen some day. It shouldn't be all that surprising when it does happen, but it's still so darned fun and heartwarming to see.
I'm sure it's obvious to other parents, but since I'm still fairly new I only now realize that this progress is one more step toward independence. For us humans, it's a long (approximately 21-years) and painful process toward this goal. I can picture each step along the way being tremendously exciting like this though. Now it's walking, next will be talking, then grade school, riding a bike, reading, etc. Driving will be huge and scary because it the largest step toward fleeing the nest, that takes place in the shortest amount of time (1 year for a learner's permit with maybe driver's ed class during that year, then WHAMMO!). School will be long and ongoing, but college will be the last final straw (one hopes) until final freedom and independance. Then their own career will be the final straw of freedom, enabling them (again - one hopes) to pursue further goals of owning a home and raising a family of their own.
Lucas is only 11 months old now, but he started walking and so far I'm pretty damned proud of him!
BEING A DAD (12/20/05):
A friend of mine recently asked me how I like being a dad. Here were my thoughts:
Being a dad is nuts.
I can't believe how different everything is now that I have a child. When
I got married, I had to begin considering my wife's thoughts and feelings with
everything I did. Now though, I have to also always consider this little
creature that can't even fully communicate with me yet. How is he doing,
feeling? Is he hungry, hot, cold, tired, happy,
bored?
Contributing to my wife's happiness is very fulfilling to
me, but she doesn't completely rely on me for it. She can occupy her own
time, has her own relationship with God, can feed, take care of and transport
herself, etc.
But this new little person completely relies on us for his
happiness and safety. It's a lot of work, but when I make him happy, or
see him content, or sleeping safely, knowing that I am the cause of his safety
and contentment - it's another whole level of joy and manliness.
We
recently took a family portrait for the holidays and it's a weird thing to look
at myself in the picture. I have a family now. I now am what I used
to see my dad to be.
JUST STARING (10/25/05):
Last weekend, I took Lucas with me to run some errands. One of
our stops was to fill Amanda's Escape with gas. If it's just Lucas and me,
then I typically open the back door so we can see each other while I pump (so he
doesn't get bored, scared, or whatever and so I can see how he's doing).
So while I'm pumping the fuel, I looked over at him, and he was just staring at
me. So I smiled at him, but he just kept on staring. So I stared
back at him, but I found myself not knowing what to think about. It was a
little awkward because it was a completely new experience.
I know that sounds silly and maybe even stupid, but there has been an explanation for every other staring experience I have ever had. Either it's another man trying to intimidate you or see what you're made of (I usually give a good intimidating stare back and a nod), a woman (or man unfortunately) being flirty or attracted (doesn't happen very often though), or usually it's while engaged in conversation with someone else. In all of these cases though, I know what's happening, how to react to it, and what goes through my own mind.
With Lucas though, I just felt odd and maybe a little vulnerable because of it. What are you thinking son? I know I'm a little funny looking, but is that why you're staring? Are you just now starting to understand that I'm someone special in your life, your dad? I don't want to just talk to him because he doesn't understand me, so that's not what he's seeking. It would be purely to avoid my own awkwardness, and I don't want to take the weak way out like that. I don't want to look away and break the moment either, why should I be shy or uncomfortable with my son anyway? But I don't want to intimidate him either. I want him to feel loved and safe with me, not afraid (maybe someday when we need to discipline him, but not now). So what do I think about at this moment? Normally, when I stare back at someone, it's to show them how strong, or how sexy, or how smart, or how determined I am. But I don't want to demonstrate any of those things to him. Nor do I want to think about the normal struggles with bills, chores, work, or the other various stresses associated with life that my mind is usually filled with, as I don't want to tarnish his innocence and contentment with my burdens.
Eventually he looked away, but it was only after what seemed like a long
moment of new questions and wonder.
SPREADING THE LOVE (10/25/05):
Two weekends ago, we stayed at a hotel in San Francisco with our
friends (Christa and Demel) from Florida. Several times I walked to and
from the car with Lucas, which was in a garage across the street and around the
corner from the hotel (about a blocks worth of walking). It was then that
I noticed something peculiar and wonderful.
First of all, I'm a pretty friendly person generally, but I found San Francisco to be very unlikely to respond in kind. Perhaps it's because it's a big city, or perhaps because of the spiritual gloom that I would associate with one of the largest gay populations in America, but it's a pretty unfriendly place. If you initiate an act of courtesy to someone (by holding the door for them, saying excuse me, hello, thank you, etc), it's a safe bet that the other person is going to completely ignore you without a word, a smile or even a nod of their head.
The interesting thing I noticed though is that Lucas very easily spread
smiles and joy and inspired courtesy everywhere we went, especially when it was
just him and I. I would say greater than half of the people I passed would
smile at us (mainly at him, but also partially to me). Several times he
would exercise his voice by making very loud baby noises (BAAAA, BAAAA, BAAAA!!!),
and people all around us were loving it, smiling and sometimes actually laughing
in response. Whoever was in front of us, or even just passing by, would
happily hold the door for us and even respond to my words of appreciation.
I accidentally ran over one older lady's toes with the stroller as she held the
door open to exit the hotel. I apologized heartily, but she didn't even
really care. She got one glimpse of my son's bright brown eyes and any
discomfort probably just melted away. So I guess having Lucas has been not
only changing me, but also to some degree the very world around me. As
cheesy as this sounds, it's almost a little bit magical.
WISH YOU WERE HERE (9/24/05):
When my dad passed away in 2003, of course I was upset. Now
that I'm a dad to a son myself though, I find there are many times that I miss
him and feel much more emotional about his death than I ever have before.
I was in a Whole Foods Market early this month, and when I passed through their
seafood department, the smell of fish reminded me of going to Cape Canaveral
beach (in FL) for surf fishing with my dad. It's a distinctively yucky
smell, but it was such a relaxing and enjoyable time with him, and the smell
would be with us from the first catch, up until we finally showered at home that
night. In fact, I think those are some of my favorite times with him.
Another memory hit me when I was driving on the way to work. My dad bought me a brand new Suzuki Quad Sport ATV in 1987, when I was 15. I thanked him afterward and told him I loved him (it was a tough thing to say at 15 too), but now it means way more than those many years ago. The thought of spending $2000 (much more now that it's 19 year later) on Lucas for such a toy would be a difficult (impossible at the moment) financial sacrifice to make. I'm sure it was hard for him too, but boy did I have some great memories with my friends on that thing as a result of it.
There are so many things that Lucas does now that I want to tell my dad about and/or show him. I would like to know how it was with me. Now that I have a son of my own, I want to act towards my dad and talk with him like I hope Lucas does some day with me. I want to show him what a good dad and man that I am continuing to become.
Similarly, now that I see what Amanda is going through with Lucas, I have a
greater appreciation of my mom. I am more conscious of our relationship
now and try to make a greater effort to nurture it, especially since I'm 3000+
miles away now.
HI-HO, HI-HO, IT'S OFF TO WORK SHE GOES...(9/02/05):
I recently heard about a mother of a young
child (less than a year) obtaining new employment. The father is employed
and they are surviving on his income alone, but with the two incomes they would
obviously be able to obtain a higher standard of living. So I wanted to
vent some of my thoughts (and emotions) on the matter.
Ok, now if a couple needs to both work in order to just make ends
meet, then you have my sympathy, my prayers, and my full support.
You're good parents for keeping a roof over their heads and food on the
table. God bless you and your efforts.
But if it's to get nicer cars and stuff, or to have a 2500 sq ft home
on a lake with
a huge kitchen and a 3 car garage (as well as beautiful landscaping of
course), then I have to ask if that's really what is most important to
you?
Don't you think your child (and any future siblings) will be affected
by your
absense? Are you sacrificing what's best for your child for the
sake of improving your social-economic status?
How selfish and consumer-minded can you possibly be?
That may sound overly dramatic, but let's apply some mathematics (since
I'm an Engineer) to see if I'm exaggerating or if maybe there's some
truth to my insipid ranting. At 6 months old, Lucas wakes up at 6:30am
(on a good day) and goes to sleep at 8:30pm. Let's say he takes 4 hours
worth of naps (rarely that much, but ok). So he's awake for 14-4 = 10
hours total per day. If we were to drop him off at day care, then he
would be there from 8:30am to 5:30pm, which would be 8 hours plus 1
hour of travel time (1/2 hour each way) = 9 hours total. Typically the
day care center is located close to home, so the drive time to and from
work is mostly by yourself, but for the sake of argument let's say your
day care is located at your place of employment. While the kid would be
with you during the drive, having them sitting in the back seat (facing
the other way if in a car seat) while you pay attention to the rush
hour traffic isn't what I would consider quality time. So we're at 9
hours of work and travel time - 4 hours of napping = 5 hours per day,
or half of his waking hours with these who-the-hell-knows-who-they-are
employees of whatever day care center.
The morning time will likely be spent getting yourself (both of you)
ready for work, then getting the kiddo ready to head out the door as
well. But let's just say you're super-human here, so you both only need
one hour total for all of the above.
Now, when you get home from a long day's work you are at least a little
bit tired, and you need to eat dinner.
This will take up another hour or so, especially if some preparation is
needed.
While it won't take both of you to cook, you will both have to sit down
and eat the food, as well as change
out of your work clothes, so let's set aside an hour for getting into
home
attire and eating dinner. Now we're down to 3 hours of time where
you're able to actually pay attention to him/her per day, or about a
third of his waking hours, if you're not too tired that is.
Well, there's always the weekend. Oh wait, now you have to clean and
maintain your new 2500 square feet home and larger landscaping. So I
guess most of that is
probably going to be lost too.
I know I'm no one to judge, and I know I'm a basic a-hole for even
opening my big mouth
regarding someone else's business. And who the hell am I to point
fingers?
I am no one but an average jerk with a voice and a passion to express
my largely unwelcome opinion.
I can say though that Amanda and I have sacrificed greatly financially
as a result of living on just one income.
However, Lucas is being raised primarily by his mother, instead of some
pimply faced teenager working for just over minimum wage at a day care
facility, trying to keep watch over a couple of dozen other kids of
various ages.
I can hear you still saying "But that is your choice. You do
what's right for you and we'll do what's right for us.
There is no right and wrong here, only different ways of living.
Different opinions.
Different decisions." What is best for your child though?
If you can answer that question with a confident "yes" in regards to
the decision you are making, then so be it.
Head to your new job with a clear conscience.
Again, I recognize that some people have to have the two incomes in
order to
make ends meet. Some people are also forced to raise their
children as a
single parent. If you don't have a choice in the matter, than
this
frustrated tirade doesn't apply to you. If you could, but don't
want to
cut your standard of living though in order to leave a parent at home,
or if you
simply cannot resist the desire to have more and nicer "stuff", then
congratulations on heading down the road to achieving your goals of
fortune.
Oh, and congratulate the day-care worker for me, on heading further
down the road to achieving their financial goals too, all while getting
to raise another member of an
all-too-consumeristic society.
NOW I'M FEELING ALL OFFICIAL LIKE (7/31/05):
Lucas had Croup last week. If you're not familiar with it, it's
a serious cough that sounds kind of like a seal's bark. It sounded like he
couldn't breathe, and was coughing just to clear his little lungs enough to get
a breath. This happened in the middle of the night, so hearing something
was wrong, we woke up, I picked him up and tried to console him while Amanda
looked up his symptoms in a couple of books she has. Once we determined
that we thought it was Croup (and the doctor confirmed it later), we turned on
the shower to increase the humidity in order to help him breathe. We had
to repeat this a couple of times and also for the next couple of nights.
It was the first time as parents that we had to experience this somewhat intense
worry and concern for his well being, combined with the lack of sleep from
taking care of him. It was another whole level of parenthood for us, and
I'm sure it's only the beginning of that aspect of it.
On a happier and more positive note of increased feelings of parenthood, Lucas is growing cuter and more interactive by the day. I've had many moments now, just today even, where I'll just look over at him and he'll break into a big fat smile. He seems much more aware and able to respond to things that I am doing with or to him. Some examples of this are me pretending to eat his belly, reading to him, playing with him and his toys, and holding him on my lap while watching TV (a great male bonding moment). I think he recognizes me as his daddy now and I really feel more like it as a result.
With Amanda, he's even easier to amuse. She can make him laugh at the
drop of a hat. It's really something to watch. While I somewhat envy
it, I think we're settling in to slightly different roles of having fun and ways
that we spend time with him. I'm more physically fun with him (flying him
around like an airplane, holding him above me then bringing him down to kiss
him, lifting him up then holding him by his shoulders upside down while eating
his tummy, seating him on my neck so he can see over my head, etc) while Amanda
is more kooky and silly.
Oh, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT, or ARE YOU?
(7/23/05):
We took Lucas around the neighborhood in the stroller looking at
garage sales today. Everyone who looked at him said how cute and adorable
he is. Now that he is becoming more aware of and interactive with his
surroundings, he is starting to smile back at people who are ogling over him,
the little charmer. While I think Lucas really is excessively cute,
I wonder if people are always as quick to observe and compliment babies and
their appearance as they are with him. Or maybe people would say
it, but then they see how cute he truly is, and as a result state it with more
enthusiasm because they don't have to fake it.
At one garage sale in particular, a woman was sitting outside with her teenage daughter. After complimenting Lucas' appearance, she then told us how great they are at this age. "That's when we still liked them. Now they're not good for anything." The funny thing is, her daughter looked like a sweet, friendly kid. I realized that I never want to insult my kids or complain about them in front of them like that. Even if they're annoying or I'm frustrated with them, a compliment, especially when directed to others, goes a long way. I'm sure my child will need humbling and discipline, but it seems to me that this would be better expressed in private, and they should know that in general I love them, am proud of them, and appreciate them for who they are. What a crappy thing for a child to have to hear and/or think, that their parents wish they didn't exist and am disappointed to have to share their life with them or to take care of them. What a b*#ch. Oh yeah, and she was smoking too, just to top off her charming personality.
Yesterday, we were at the DMV when a teenaged boy, probably just getting his
license for the first time, held the door for me as I was running in after
getting something from the car. I noticed several things about him a) he
was not only a really handsome kid, but had a friendly demeanor b) he was nice
enough to hold the door open for me when he noticed me in a hurry and c) he
replied "any time" with sincerity when I thanked him for holding it
for me. I thought that I hope my son is like that, really attractive in
appearance, but also humble and considerate of others, not letting his looks go
to his head.
Oh, for LAUGHING OUT LOUD... (6/22/05):
Yesterday, Lucas turned 16 weeks old and today Amanda called me at
work today to let me hear Lucas' first
laughing, caused by her playing with his little stuffed dog Pepe, and making a
"woof" noise. I must say, that was probably one of, if not THE
coolest sounds that I have ever heard. Better than any music,
acknowledgement or praise, the ocean, whatever. Really neat.
Also, the other day he smiled as he was falling asleep on his side.
Anytime he smiles is hypnotically adorable, but when his eyes are closed too,
then I feel like we're doing such a good job at making him feel safe and happy,
that he's not just smiling when we're entertaining him, but when his thoughts
are free to drift elsewhere too.
...and CRYING TOO
I'm noticing many things about myself being different now that I have
a child. I'm sure this change goes almost without saying. One thing
in particular though is that I find myself being moved to tears under various
circumstances that didn't used to affect me much.
One example is a news video from Zimbabwe that I recently saw, where the
local government was clearing out a large shanty area, destroying all of the
makeshift homes and street vendors. They cleared out and destroyed every
single thing that these thousands upon thousands of people had to call their
own. In one scene, the camera showed a woman breast-feeding a baby.
Later that same day I saw a picture of a severely malnourished child from some
other country. Then tonight I watched the movie Hotel Rwanda, which
chronicled the genocide of almost a million people, either including the
children in the massacres or leaving them as orphans. The thought of not
having anything for my child, any place to live, any food to feed him. Of
wondering what to do next and feeling completely helpless to take care of
him. To see him worry or be frightened, or even worse, to have his very
life threatened and not to be able to do anything about it whatsoever. I
cannot imagine any worse torment for my soul.
A SCHEDULED and UNDERSTANDING DEMEANOR
(5/31/05):
Even though he's only 13 weeks old, Lucas has quickly developed a
very good attitude. Several friends of ours have commented that they
almost never hear him cry. I must agree that I have noticed it becoming
less and less frequent as time passes. Maybe it's because we're each
gaining a greater understanding of each other. We've mostly developed a
schedule with him at this point and are quick to respond to his requests,
providing they're within the expected time window of his schedule, which they
usually are. We generally know when he's hungry and when he's tired, and
we check his diaper often enough to prevent him from sitting in waste too
long. Still though, there are plenty of moments that his good nature is
evident.
As an example, he was recently kind of fussing (not crying, just
kind of complaining) in his crib at bedtime. I went upstairs to put him in
his swaddle and while I was up there he just started making his little talking
noises. It was almost like he just wanted to chat and maybe say
goodnight. So I rubbed his head for about 30 seconds, said goodnight,
kissed him, then left the room. He went right to sleep.
GROWTH and GRUNTING (5/24/05) :
Making Lucas smile or content and/or sleeping in my arms is now the
highlight of my day. I'm looking forward to him talking and walking and
such, but I hate to lose the cute and cuddly little baby in the process.
Already, after only 12 weeks, 12 WEEKS ONLY, he's outgrowing his clothes,
is reaching both ends of his baby bath tub, and even losing some of the
chubbyness in his cheeks! Slow down kid! He grunts with
determination and flexes his little legs to hold himself up while we balance him
in the standing position (does he get that determination from Amanda or
me?). And sometimes when you talk to him, he tries like the dickens to
hold a conversation, making all sorts of noises in return to your
dialogue. Oh yeah, and perhaps most importantly, he sleeps for 7 - 7.5
hours straight now. That newborn sleep deprivation really sucked, so I'm
glad it's coming to a conclusion.
THE PRESENT (4/14/05) :
What a gift. What a blessing. This squirmy, stretching
little person has been given to me, entrusted to my care. I am very
grateful.
I am also appreciative for what he is right now, at this moment,
presently. He's not very interactive or much of a
conversationalist. But he's not arrogant, argumentative, or disobedient
yet either. Right now he's probably as close to perfect as he could
be. Or maybe (hopefully) I'll be saying that all along. But for now
he isn't making poor choices or acting malevolently. He just is.
He's growing, and depending, and absorbing, and learning his surroundings and
his basic functions in this world. His eyes are pure, innocent, and
beautiful. His smiles are still rare, but when you see one it's as bright
and warm as the sun.
CHALLENGES:
I knew going into this that it would be difficult. My
wife and I had figured most of this marriage thing out, at least to where we
truly enjoy our relationship and mostly understand each other. I plowed
through a difficult Bachelors and Masters program and am getting through the
daily challenges that are presented to me now at my job. I have conquered
a marathon, held various positions of leadership, and many other things
including drastic relocation, public speaking, sky diving, and bungee jumping.
So this is the another big challenge, undoubtedly the longest and most difficult
of my life. And also, like the other things that have been difficult but
rewarding, I know I am going to need God's help through it. Without it I
may not fail, but I certainly won't be as successful at it and failure is
certainly a greater likelihood. I wanted to have a child not only
to have the joy of a family, but also to see what kind of dad I could be.
I expect there will be plenty of fun
and joy from being a parent, but I also want to see if I can handle it and am
wondering what kind of job I can do, what kind of child will I raise?
THE FUTURE:
A co-worker who also has a young son asked me the other day what I would
like my son to become. For him, the answer was a football player. I
think my wife Amanda answered the question best. I echo her sentiments by
saying that I would like him to have a career that he truly enjoys and is able
to excel at. In the process of his daily life and work, I hope that he
reflects and represents God in his actions and words. In doing so, he has
a positive affect on and changes the lives of as many people as possible.
I also hope he is a leader amongst his peers, standing up for what he believes
in and persuading others to follow those beliefs as well.
NUMBERS:
We have gone through 200 diapers in the 20 days since he's been
born. 10 diapers a day!! I have seen my son spew and spray from
every orifice possible. I watched him fountain urine onto my bed, seen
poop spray out of his bung hole (we were lucky enough to have a diaper ready at
the time), and held him while he projected about a quart of milk out of his
mouth, across my chest and over our bed pillows. We usually get only 2-3
hours of sleep at a stretch, with an occasional 4 or 5 hour miracle.
MANLINESS:
I consider myself a manly man. My hobbies and interests are
very male oriented. One unexpected thing that I've noticed since having a
child is that it actually makes me feel even more manly. I think the logic
behind it is that now I have to protect and provide for a helpless little person
who is completely dependant on me. This person will look up to me and
learn from me (hopefully) how to be a man. And so I am inspired to be a
better one, a stronger one, a man that is as worthy an example as he deserves.
SWEET MOMENTS:
He had just started to wake up, making only little noises. So I
picked him up out of his bassinet and laid him between Amanda and me on our
bed. After waking up more, he started to cry. It was primarily
because it was time to eat, but I wanted to try something first. So I
picked him up and laid him on top of my chest, with his little chest facing
me. His entire body fit on just my torso. At first he was still
fussy and trying to lift his head, but after a brief moment he totally relaxed,
turned to the side, and just lay there on top of me. I was then able to
stroke his hair with one hand and his back with the other. My big clumsy
hands covered his whole head and back. It was a great way of bonding with
him, perhaps comparable to Amanda breastfeeding him.
He was crying and fussy and didn't want to lay down to sleep, even though he
had already eaten and was demonstrating that he was tired (yawning, heavy eyes,
etc). So I held him and swiveled back and forth in my desk chair with him
in my left arm, while using the computer with my right hand. He was quiet
and content, eventually falling asleep there. When I went to transfer him
to his bassinet, he started crying again. So I went back to my original
position and let him sleep there for over an hour while I just surfed the
internet and worked on this web site.
LITTLE THINGS:
In the last five days since he's been born, I have found it amazing
how every little thing that he does is so precious to us. Seeing his
little face performing normal functions of human activity such as yawning,
sneezing, and hiccupping, and especially smiling are just priceless and amazing. Why though?
I have two possible answers so far.
ALMOST THERE:
Well, we finally finished our pre-birthing classes and have 9 days
left until Amanda's due date. It (he/she) could come at any day now. I'm in my
bathing suit and crouched at the end of the diving board over a pool of
parenthood. I've taken swimming lessons and purchased all of the floating toys,
inflatable chairs, and pool maintenance equipment a man could possibly want (Lamaze
and all of the baby furniture and supplies). Many of my friends are already
swimming in the water, telling me that yes it's cold, but you will eventually
get used to it. So now I'm standing here and God is going to push me off the end
very soon, and I can only wait for His hand to shove me gently in the back.